October 10th, 2011
braving emotions: accomplished
hearing voices: Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
"A haiku is not a poem, it is not literature; it is a hand becoming,
a door half-opened, a mirror wiped clean. It is a way of returning
to nature, to our moon nature, our cherry blossom nature, our
falling leaf nature, in short, to our Buddha nature. It is a way in
which the cold winter rain, the swallows of evening, even the very
day in its hotness, and the length of the night, become truly
alive, share in our humanity, speak their own silent
and expressive language."
- Haiku: Eastern Culture, 1949, Volume One, p. 243.
Translations and commentary by Reginald H. Blyth
August 19th, 2010
hearing voices: none
My friends and family are all in mourning. My sister's best friend was murdered Tuesday in a triple homicide-suicide
. My sister is barely breathing, April's (the woman murdered) family has been in and out of our house as we all try to finalize details while the police continue their investigation. It's utter tragedy but the anger lingering in me says it's worse than that.
August 13th, 2010
Here it is, after starting and finishing. Surprisingly, this isn't knit in the round! It's done on straight (US6) and I used cotton (vs. the recommended merino wool). My argument is that this is NOT a doily. I hate doilies.
But it is dang cool with all the cables.
August 9th, 2010
hearing voices: "I Can't Give You Anything But Love, Baby" as sung by Kathy Hepburn
And here's my horoscope for the day, practically riddled with positive forces:
"You've been pretending for a while now that things are a lot better than they really are. While that's generally a good quality to have, it might be getting between you and something important. Reality can be a bitch."
Real pleasant, eh? Are these things ever accurate? Someone should let me know because today, however mundane and aflow with possibilities, has been a sincere pain in the ass.
August 3rd, 2010
hearing voices: Old Jim Crowe by Nina Simone
Her edifice is shivering.
She knows what happens when you bottle up sorrow.
She knows what she's done to herself, the walls she's built, the tower is drenched in a thousand tears and that's no protection.
It will all fall to the ground with one touch.
July 29th, 2010
hearing voices: Matter of Time by Tina & the B Sides
I've been suffering under the weight of a gibbous moon and insomnia. The two don't go hand in hand.
July 22nd, 2010
hearing voices: Forces...Darling by Koop
How do you get love out of your system?
I have no choice. You are cholesterol
and my heart is weak. You are anathema
and a bottle of Jameison left on the counter,
no glass. You left me twice for other women:
once for a ghost, twice for your own egotistical notions.
The ideal in rented elegance. I never met either one.
I will leave you last, for myself.
July 21st, 2010
hearing voices: I Can't Give You Anything But Love, Baby - Louis Armstrong
"There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them". - Dream for an Insomniac
I've been trying to live passionately; circumnavigating people's souls as I begin to know them. And yet, something is always held back. Like Frankie in Dream for an Insomniac, I don't want wake up 60 years old some day and seemingly happily married to some man that I know is my second choice.
Desperation keeps trying to crawl into my sleeping bag during the wee hours.
I kick it out when I remember, but sometimes it's easy to forget.
In Like Water for Chocolate, Tita knits herself an afghan of protection...not just to keep her safe from the demons that come sucking at her spirit, but also to ward off her hopes and dreams. Sometimes, when despair sets in, hopes and dreams are more painful than disappointment.
I've begun knitting a shawl with an Ostrich Plume motif....we'll see how it ends up.
July 20th, 2010
braving emotions: busy
hearing voices: Oh My by G. Wigmore
I've been swimming to Kiwi artist Gin Wigmore and thoroughly enjoying her whiskey-tinged voice. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OieVKwWuuNYCollapse )
It's almost a guilty pleasure.
July 15th, 2010
hearing voices: "Both Hands" by Ani Difranco
My alter ego today is the Survivor, whose power for revolution lies in my epiphany for change, brought on with the aid of a serious reality check.
Today I have reached a turning point.
It may be all over but the crying--but I have the strength to move on and create a better situation for myself.
You may say that I never saw it coming or learned the hard way, but with profound change comes new opportunity. One door closes, another opens. So I tear down the wall and rebuild anew.
July 4th, 2010
hearing voices: Anita Diamont's The Red Tent
It has been a day laden with uncertainty and plagued by unreal fears.
And I've been played for a fool by many.
Quite lucky, these many,
Even as I fall asleep, I can hear the unspoken grievances....it is hard to follow God's will alone.
June 20th, 2010
hearing voices: John Lennon's "Imagine" as performed by the cast of Glee
That old adage about God closing doors only to open windows rings true. I pray. I'm a quiet prayer: I don't speak in tongues or let the world know I'm praying by physical displays of obeisance. I just mentally talk to God, the energy and Love that binds all of our souls together. And the best part about it?
The answers are not always the ones we pray for. Often, they are a whispered no. That's just the way it works. Sometimes, answers are the lifting of heavy emotional burdens...one day I just wake and the weight isn't there anymore. Sometimes, God's answers come in the form of tiny acts. Minute miracles. Those are ones that raise the heartstrings and one needs to be fully aware to notice them.
PauloCoelho writes in The Valkyries about looking to the horizon and controlling the second mind as the first step to seeing the miracles of God. He specifically writes about seeing one's angels, conversing with them. Angels need us to believe and be aware in order to exist. I sometimes think it is the same with God. God appreciates our awareness.
When the character Chris realizes that she’s had a song singing in the back of her mind for days, she finds her second mind. She is told,
“That’s the second mind. It’s your second mind that is humming the song. It can do that with anything. If you’re in love with someone, you can have that person inside your head. The same thing happens with someone you want to forget about someone. But the second mind is a tough thing to deal with. It’s at work regardless of whether you want it to be or not….
“…You are here. Try to understand that you are here, and that the things that surround you [throughout the horizon] change you—in the same way that you change them. In order to penetrate the invisible world and develop, you have to live in the present, the here and now. In order to live in the present, you have to control your second mind. And look at the horizon.”
Coelho teaches that there is a realm of being far outside of what our normal awareness is. And that realm stretches to the horizon. When we are aware of that, we find the power of God within ourselves. We find that prayers are answered, no matter if these prayers are muttered by our second mind or voiced in the here and now.
When we become aware, we earn the ability to converse with the angels. Yet another of God’s minute miracles.
June 19th, 2010
hearing voices: Season 1 of Glee
I want to be kissed. I'm in the mood to be kissed with tentative passion, the kind that is still a lingering question.
Sadly, this seems like a far off dream with my criteria for men being a little high on the requirements list. I'm picky. And, apparently, this leads me to not being able to find a qualifying man in my local vicinity. I can find members of the opposite sex on either coastline, but not in the midwest. They're all married or gay or dead or a combination of the three.
Thus, my lips remain lonely.
It is evening yet again and the breeze is wafting through the wild onions in my garden and perfuming the air. It isn't the best perfume. Quite annoying actually. But someone was weed-whacking (not me!) and sliced the onions, thus the fragrance.
Inhaling bursts of Donna Karan's Laubdanum perfume only helps somewhat.
I'm also yarn hunting (SEX = Stash Enhancement eXpidition) for a plant fibered yarn for a cabled shawl I want to make. It's cables and lace, thus not a brain-numbing experience and a bit of a handful. I'm flip-flopping between turquoise, teal and coral shades...and tan (but tan seems so boring when I realize that most of my wardrobe is black and this project is for me). I was thinking of a hemp/silk/cotton blend--if such a thing exists. But practicality and cost brings me to a cotton-linen blend from Knitpicks.
June 18th, 2010
hearing voices: Undun by the Guess Who
Today is interminable.
The first quiet (-ish) day in a week and I'm broken.
I am being forced to abandon something in which I had invested great love and devotion. And I am somewhere between relief at this outcome and utter terror. There are new pathways to be found.
My exboyfriend/best friend is dating another woman (literally--their billionth date is going on now, this is the proverbial "other woman") and I'm nauseated by it. The worst is that I don't know why I'm sick over it. I think I'm just amazed that someone would choose another woman over me. It's never happened before...
And I'm pursuing other ends, shouldn't he do the same?
Love is not at all logical.
On the up side, I've lost 60 pounds. I don't see it, but others do and I guess that's ok. I feel more like I did in college. A little after college.
...And this is the first public post after a long while. Sue expects me to emotionally freewrite for a minimum of 15 minutes per day. Good idea, Suebear. That sort of thinking saves lives.
A woman who was like a third grandmother to me passed away yesterday. I'm singing at her funeral (in a range of coloratura that I haven't sung in a while) on Tuesday. Funny how emotions hold you up when you need to have the strength. I am sorrowful at her passing, yet feeling this sting of emotion helps alleviate the apathy I've been feeling in my days. And I know that this good woman has found peace, which is a comfort.
I refuse to be ruled by negative emotions.
February 15th, 2010
I started and finished my Horseshoe Cable Hat on 12/12/10 from the opening of the Vancouver Olympics for Ravelry. I think it looks pretty good. It's more stretched on an adult head (modeled by my niece in photo) and that shows off the cables some more.
Out of my KPSwap group on Rav, I was the first to finish a project. I can't believe how fast it went!
Now I'm working on the mittens again, in the matching green colorway of Lamb's Pride Bulky. 1 is done, 1 more to go and I'm looking for the appropriate audio book to knit by. Currently, the Olympics aren't on so I can't just knit and watch Pairs Skating.
I wonder what the athletes do all day besides prep for their events?